12:51 AM
Enter lame ass quote here.
Yes I wonder too why I'm up at 12:51am writing a blog post when I could be sleeping. I guess when life throws lemons at you, you have to sit there and make lemon juice...that didn't make sense. Then again, what makes sense at this time?
These past few days I've been wondering why I exist. Ignore the cliche thought, but I really serve no purpose in life...I'm not a god, or a smartie. I don't help people, I don't donate heaps of money, I don't adopt orphans, and really...I don't make people happy. I say that with all my confidence because the word 'infinite' cannot possibly sum up to all the shit I've caused to people. So in basic words, I fuck up their lives. And not literally.
I feel the need to apologise to everyone. Sorry for all the shit I've put them through. I've taken everyone for granted and I still wonder as to why they're still here when I'm such a nuisance. All my dramatic turnovers and massive bitch fits to my never lasting tears, 3 girls stood by me through thick and thin. Thinking about losing either one of them makes me burst into tears. Amanda, if you're reading this with the slightest chance, I'm sorry. I never knew you were trying to defend me, and yet I just lecture you about how stubborn you are for not forgiving Zane. No guy, especially him, should ever come in the way of our friendship. You've been with me through the times where I wanted to jump off a cliff to the times where I laughed at Kims stupidity and Helens lamp. I love you, and I'm so so sorry.
And with all due respect, the people who I feel whom I disappointed the most, are my family. Mum, dad, I know you pay money just so I can get a better education, something you didn't have. When I think about that my heart just sinks and I wonder why you have such a stupid daughter. A daughter that doesn't keep up with her excellent brothers that achieved so high in the HSC. Vincent, Thompson, truth is Im so scared. I'm scared of the HSC because I'm scared I won't be able to measure up to you. The worst thing that could ever happen to me is all you 4 being disappointed in me. When I failed that maths test, Thompson I expected you to claim why you have such a downgrade sister. But you didn't...and instead you motivated me and told me to try harder. The belief you have in me is beyond what I expected, and just the love you 4 give to me, I wonder why you still choose to love me. Mum, Dad, I'm sorry. I will try harder in everything. You've all given me so many chances...I can't express my love. I remember when I was younger I used to wish I had white parents and sisters instead of brothers, because white parents let me go everywhere and sisters can dress me up etc. But now, even if someone put a gun to my head, I wouldn't want to have anyone but you 4.
It is now 1:22am. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I'm sorry for being the worst friend, worst daughter and the worst sister. I've caused nothing but heartache. What is my purpose in life? I ask so many people that, but Ive never found out my own answer. When I think about the people closest to me, and think about what'll happen if they get into an accident etc, tears don't stop flowing. Please pretty please, even though I don't show it, I need every single one of you. Even though I may appear to be happy, you guys are my ONLY purpose to keep living instead of putting a knife to my chest. You're all important. I need you. I love you. Remember that.
♥ JLabels: diary, entry, family, friends, life, love, sad